The Creature That Came Across the Counter

This creature should scare us!  Unfortunately, many parents buy these for their children.  There are advertisements telling us we should buy more.  So I decided to investigate this creature myself.  Here is my encounter with the creature that came across the counter!

Does this scare you? It should.


It started two years ago.  I first watched this video about the “Bionic Burger”.  My first reaction was probably your first reaction…that can’t be true!  I mean, I have actually eaten these before!  All of the road trips, the high school quick lunches, and the drive-thrus started replaying through my head.  If I would have had an accompanying music score, I am sure it would have been playing some scary music.

I decided to check this situation out myself.  The family and I piled in the car and we were off for our trip to McDonald’s.  Pulling up to the colorful display with great-looking images of food and drinks, I ordered a kids’ Happy Meal.  After receiving my total, I slowly inched the car forward until I was at the serving window.  From this vantage point I could see the employees hurriedly filling orders behind the counter.  I could smell the aroma of burgers, fries, and grease.  I watched as sandwiches in wraps and boxes were set on the warming tray and gently slid across the counter to be picked up for order completion.  I saw my hamburger slide down the pass and before even coming to a stop it was picked up and placed in my bag.  

It was at that moment the creature crossed the counter.  The date was July 5, 2010.  It was a hot day.  It was sunny.  And the creature had just crossed the window and was now in my van.

Now, I’m not gonna lie.  The burger and fries…they smelled good!  But I had an experiment to complete and it wouldn’t work with a partially-eaten burger, so it sat in the bag waiting to be put on display.  Upon arriving to the clinic we took the burger, this seemingly innocent looking creature, out of the bag.  The burger wrap was still warm, the bun felt soft and edible.  

Slowly the burger was unwrapped and a gentle hint of steam left the wrapper.  It was pretty simple really.  Two pieces of bread.  A small hamburger patty.  A pickle.  Ketchup.  Was I scared?  Nope.  Did my kids run screaming away?  Nah.  They sat and just watched me.

After placing the burger on the specially purchased glass cake display, my wife carefully arranged the wrapper, the burger, the bun and the fries…because, hey, presentation is everything!  We decided to leave the cover off the glass cake display because we didn’t want the burger to mold that quickly.  And then we left.  Leaving the creature that had crossed the fast food counter, now sitting on our counter on display for all to see, right in my own office.

The next day I checked on the burger and guess what?  It looked the same as it had the day before.  There was no offensive smell, no rotting food, no swarming flies.  Nothing had changed.

That next week at work was an interesting week.  For two days we had no air conditioning in the office.  It was hot.  It was humid.  It was pretty miserable.  But this burger, this creature of unknown origin, was not phased.  It wasn’t affected.  Even high heat and humidity were unable to start breaking this burger down.  I did start noticing something unusual.  Because of the weather…the rain…whatever…we had started noticing little ants in certain parts.  Unfortunately the ants found an agave nectar container that was left open and had a heyday with it.  Surprisingly, they never touched the burger.  We would have the occasional fly every now and again…and this too, would never touch the burger.  

One week passed.  Two weeks passed.  One month.  No mold.  No bugs eating it.  No rotting.  No rotten smell.  Nothing.  This started to make my stomach lurch.

This initial experience with the creature that crossed the counter happened almost two years ago.  This Wednesday…July 5, 2012…this burger will be 2 years old.  This picture in this post?  It was taken on June 25, 2012.  

What’s that?  Did I just hear you scream?  Are you scared now?  You should be!

A commitment to eating whole, fresh, real food that can spoil is the key to keeping this creature back behind the counter where it belongs!

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